A look inside the mind of a mentally depreciating young man
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
It's a bitch. I agree with some, I have no reason to be jealous of people. I have a fully functional family, I live in an upper-middle class suburb, I have a girlfriend, I have an iPod and iPhone, numerous consoles and luxuries. But because I don't have a really high "self-worth" (as retreat put it), I believe I have less than what's present in reality. I'm jealous of Mr Kevin Pereira: he works on Attack of the Show, the best show on TV. I'm jealous of Thom Yorke: he is an amazing songwriter with an incredible voice to match. I'm jealous of Daniel Bouzo: he gets to meet King Juan Carlos I (King of Spain). I'm jealous of anyone who gets to have sex. It's sickening to think that I've got no artistic measure, no technical talent on my guitar or that I won't get the golden opportunity to be an ABC3 host. It's depressing.
I've tried to write music: it failed (bar MxP and Dreamings). I practice my guitar more than most people would: I hardly get better. I want to be on fucking TV talking about shit I like. Fuck.
Retreat was a good time. Everyone was chilling and everyone was happy and I felt good. Now that the HSC is getting closer and everyone I know is pressuring me more, I'm starting to return to my dry self. Why am I so devoid of musical vision or guitar skills? How come the more I seem to practice, I still end up fucking up in my lessons with Steve? It's crap.
But some people would be jealous of me. Can't really see why, I'm such a dry and boring guy. How my girlfriend is attracted to me is yet another mystery. I guess this shit just stems from the whole self-worth thing. And how much I expect of myself. And how little I believe in myself.
P.S. My parents are strict retards whom are trying to prohibit me from not sleeping, which I naturally don't do but am making worse by staying up until 1:30am every morning watching Wimbledon when I get up at 6 to get the train to school. Fucking assholes.